Fingers Crossed

As of Friday, I am now trying something A LOT out of my element. To my relief, a friend that works at Craig Rehab Hospital came to my rescue by securing me an appointment with, not just a Craig doc, but the Medical Director himself! During that appointment it was decided that SOMETHING additional needed to be done. Kaiser was stumbling in several areas: 1) taking far too long to address my medical plan, 2) the lack of an infectious disease doctor in my life, 3) neglecting communication among departments that are crucial to my recovery, and 4) understanding not only the past in terms of the cause of this whole ordeal, but also the future and further prevention of such an event later on in life.

So it's been said that Craig Hospital is, by far, one of the most amazing hospitals in the States and definitely the place where I would like to spend my surgery and recovery. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to fight for my health, and ultimately my life back.

I am currently in the process of emulating the most annoying patient the medical community has ever seen. I have put phone calls into my primary care doc, my general surgeon, as well as my chronic care coordinator in order to try to get referred to Craig Hospital for my treatment.

Now, if I've learned anything about Kaiser, I have learned that they are quite proud. This could be considered such an asset, that is unless you are trying to flee the system. My normally cool and remarkably passive behavior is going to have to be altered. Just call me Mr. Hyde. I hate to see this demeanor for myself; however, I am unsure of how else to proceed.

To top that, there is a fairly high probability that I will forced to resign from my current teaching position due solely to the fact that I have no idea when a full recovery will actually take place. Not necessarily at the fault of the school or the school system, I realize that, but it certainly doesn't help me pay those piling medical bills.

I have no faith in Time and those tricky games he tends to play on me. Fingers crossed, things will start turning around soon and all of those bullies in my life, like Time and Money and Planning and Luck will start to accept me once again and throw me a party in the end.

My Train Wreck

Only recently have I ever understood those depression commercials where they have a cartoon character releasing teardrops into their morning cereals, fighting to find meaning to get up and go. This is probably the most notable reason for my lack of writing and updating, although there have been others.

I currently have a broken computer and wait daily for Dell to surprise me with my new best friend. Being without has made bed rest a lot less tolerable. One thing that has kept me going through this all is the new addition of my first niece, Marleigh Jane. She's a hoot and knows exactly how to make me smile without even opening her eyes.

As for my current medical status, I just found out yesterday that I will be having yet another surgery before this ordeal comes to an end. This will be, if anyone is keeping score, the 4th surgery since I became ill back in March. The difference between this surgery and the others that I have sustained is that they are filling holes this time rather than making them.

After a rather frustrating game of "Monkey in the Middle" with different Kaiser departments, it has been determined that the plastic surgery team will carry my case. I met with Dr. McDowell, the plastic surgeon, yesterday. He informed me that I am to have surgery in about a month, where they will take my right hamstring muscle and cut it off the knee in order to stretch it up to my buttocks area. This is an utter disappointment to me because of all of the work that I have done thus far with trying to regain muscle control in that area. By moving that muscle and the adjacent tissue, they will be able to successfully close the wound for good and I will lose any hope of ever using that muscle again.

Along with the wound closure, the plastic surgery team will be assessing my pelvic bone and hip. With any luck, they will only need to scrape it a bit to rid it of any infection. I have been warned, however, that the bone could be more extensively infected and need the care of the osteopaths to cut the diseased bone away. I am hoping for the slight scrape as opposed to the cut-it-out method, for obvious reasons.

In the meantime, I am modifying my bed rest schedule to include various activities that I enjoy: visiting my new baby niece, barbecuing with friends, attending weddings, etc. I need to do all that I can to prepare for another bout of serious bed rest (4-6 weeks), this time in a hospital setting.

All in all, it looks like (at the earliest) that I will be back into some sort of normalcy by mid-September. I have no clue what this means for teaching, coaching, triathloning, or any of it for that matter. BUT at least there is a light somewhere, ever so faint, at the end of the tunnel.

The Tao Of Spider

I lay here in bed after a long day of healing, in the pitch dark save the bedside lamp that emits light about as appropriate as a single tea-light candle. The mood is perfect for contemplation. The Shins hum somewhere in the distance. One thing that bed rest supplies you full of is a good sense of self-reflection and self-conversation.

As I gaze upward towards where I wish the stars would be, my eyes innately trail the only moving feature in their view. It's the eyes job to do such a thing, a natural defense from being poked out, I suppose. That feature just so happens to be a faint little spider making his way across my ceiling. Ewww... you say. Fascinating... I say.

This spider, no larger than a pencil eraser, attempts his journey with such intent and purpose. I admire that, all the well knowing that this little creature has about as much of a brain as my little finger does... maybe less.

He stops momentarily. For what? To reroute? To flee? To buy his girlfriend flowers?

This absolutely seemingly meaningless venture proves to me that we all have natural needs and desires to meet, whether we have a brain large enough to perceive them or not. I seem to think that I know what I want and what I need, but deep down there is a smarter me that is making all of the right decisions, even when not so transparent decisions are seen to be made.

There are so many moments where I feel defeated, like my life is stuck, at a standstill, a standoff. Who's going to pull the trigger first? But, in actuality, my life continues just as before, just as always. There is no moment that the little spider doesn't PHHHHTTT PHHHHTTTT PHHHHHHT his 4-sets of legs with purpose. Same with me. Just because my life is proceeding in a sub-ordinary fashion to all current witnesses, doesn't mean for a second that it is all for loss.

I am no less here now than I was two months ago, or two months from now for that matter. And as long as I remain alongside that little spider, my wheels will continue to spin in one way or another and life will, once again, surprise me.

Back To The Place Where It All Began

Just as I was starting to get the pull of insanity of my forced home-stay, a hidden blessing shot me like a arrow to the butt.

Thursday night a coworker of mine came up to my house to deliver food and visit. On her departure, she gave me a hug to remind me that everything was going to be okay. The hug helped. The one thing that she noticed, however, was that I was warm to the touch. Once she left I took my temperature and it was 101.8! HOW??? The only remedy I could muster was to get some rest.

The next morning, before my routine morning protein shake I made it a priority to check my temperature again, first thing. My temperature was 97.1. PHEW!!!

Now here's where it all goes
D
O
W
N
hill...

I had a scheduled doctor's appointment later that day to check on the progress of my healing wound and my overall health. Wouldn't you know? My fever was back, and in the fiercest of manners. Immediately thoughts go to my wound. The surgeon checked it out and scratched his head in the utmost of confusion. The would actually looked okay. So where was the cause to this temporal immune response hiding its very unwanted little self?

After urine test and blood test and chest x-ray there was little relief to this little game of hide-and-seek. From there I was sent to another clinic to get a CAT scan to check for possible internal infections. There the culprit was found. The scan showed small pockets of fluid, abscesses, that were invading my pelvic bone.

Immediately, as immediate as hospital time ever is, I was admitted (or readmitted, rather) to the hospital that I left only 6 short weeks ago. Test after test after poke after prod leave the consensus to be a potential residual infection in my pelvic bone.

Luckily for me, I didn't need to go back to the operating room. I was so fearful, having nightmares even, thinking I was going to have yet ANOTHER wound to heal. I also had a brief, yet horrific, image of having my entire pelvis removed. Is that even possible?

After it was all said and done I left the hospital feeling renewed. I guess there really is a reason for everything. I had become so antsy with my healing and so obsessed with time and the fact that TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS. Time was certainly not healing my wound fast enough. I dreamed of tomorrow and made plans for the future-- all of this being extremely unhealthy for me. My short outings with the rest of the world slowly turned into resentment holidays. I hated those people on there bicycles and running down paved trails. This person was not me. I could feel it, but I didn't feel like I could do anything to help it...

UNTIL, a twist of fate ended me back in the place that this all started. I guess I needed a reminder of how far I have come already and another reminder of how I am so blessed that it could be so much worse.

So, with my new perspective in one hand and my old optimism in the other, I prepare to skip down the road of life and towards whatever lies ahead for me... with a smile, of course.

Top 10 Things That Make You Feel Better

1. Frozen meals prepared with love by co-workers and parents of students alike.
2. Phone calls to friends who put their agendas away to find out about your healing progress.
3. Spider Solitaire.
4. Getting enough sleep... 5 hours per night is never going to cut it again.
5. Craft projects and pretty paper.
6. White chocolate chip oatmeal cookies.
7. Knowing that patience truly is a virtue; that is attainable.
8. Really, really hot showers.
9. The motivation that everything is going to be illuminated on the other side of this all.
10. Realizing that the sun rises and sets every single day and so should I.

Each Day Is A New Day

My body is healing itself, yet at a slow and steady pace. In truth, I prefer the tortoise to the hare-- for the tortoise at least has a protective shell to keep him safe. Healing has begun and will continue. It is pretty remarkable that your body is capable of so much. There is no machine or procedure that can replicate that of your body's own healing processes.

I am still on bed rest, but my spirits are high. I have finally found the time to finish that book that I was really missing, to watch the movies that I hadn't even taken the wrapping off of, and to navigate my brain a bit in between.

I have to remind myself, however, at times that every day is a little bit better than the last. This sort of mantra came about last weekend when I was left without power for about 30 hours. It was very quiet and I became very skilled at starting fires-- normally, this probably would have been quite the welcomed accidental retreat. This time was different though. Any time I have something wrong with me medically, I become a worrier, full of anxiety and fear. This weekend was not so much as the retreat that it could have been. I worried constantly about my wound and the correct care for it. My home-healthcare nurse was stranded at her home in Evergreen with a tree landing on her roof. It was definitely trying, but I think that it reminded me that everyday is a new day. Everyday I am one step closer to being healed. Everyday I am stronger and wiser.

I remember back to the last sore that I had that put me out for 3 months. It's funny, really, because I don't remember the actual days of bed rest or pain... I just remember the feeling of getting out of the hospital and how wondrous the world had suddenly become. I am very much looking forward to that again. I can already sense signs of it: the warmth of sunshine on your skin, listening to a car radio, testing out a new restaurant, hearing the sound of people laughing in a crowd. These are all things that I miss, but for some reason or another, I've been reminded of them all.

The Healing Begins

I've now had a week to get acclimated and figure out what my bedrested life is going to look like. My guess is, it will be fairly reminiscent of a teenage boy's typical everyday, minus the sports. My life pretty much consists of sleep, eat, and TV right now.

It is the strangest thing to be acting so lazy. My brain feels like I stayed home sick for the week, but my body knows the difference. I need my brain to continue to feel like I am sick so that I don't go completely nuts. As long as I am "sick," I will be able to comprehend the immobility and lack of social progress.

The strangeness continues, feeling almost 100% better. The only reminder of my infection and sepsis is feeling tired. Most of my body's metabolic jobs are going towards healing this wound; therefore, leaving little room for athletic energy or self-motivated fixing-things-around-the-house energy. So far, my body is requiring about 10 hours of sleep a night, my wheelchair is too heavy anymore, and it takes double the time to do just about any task.

My body is also requiring a lot of protein, which (I guess) I don't typically get enough of. I am not a vegetarian; however, I could be one very easily. I don't really like meat, but usually eat it to get a few extra nutrients throughout my week. With my wound sucking all the nutrient life out of me, it is important to get an adequate amount of protein: A) so that if it is part of the sucked matter, then so be it-- I have more where that came from, and B) that the required rebuilding and repair can take place. It is protein's claim-to-fame to be such a natural at building and repairing tissue. My body now requires about double the amount of protein as before. That's a lot of tuna in a can for me.

I suppose that when it all comes down to it, life is about reflecting and paying attention to you and your surroundings. I am assuming that these were things that I was not doing well at the time of my infection. Apparently someone, somewhere needed me to slow down and open my eyes. I am taking this bedrest vacation as a time for much of those things that become neglected when life moves at the rate of a tornado.

Keeping positivity on the matter, I will be able to heal quicker and with the least amount of resistance. I had my first outpatient doctor's appointment last Wednesday. My doc, Dr. Schreffler, commented that my would was healing very well so far. In fact, he said that it was almost half of it's original size already! If my body is capable of continuing on with such a rate, my body could be healed within the next 3 weeks or so. However, if healing plateaus, even just for a little bit, healing time could be anywhere from 1 month to 3 months.

I am remaining positive and fueling my body with the nutrients and love it needs. I am trying very hard to not riddicule my wound or butt or anything in that direction. I have stopped refering to my wound as stupid, gross, or lame. I need to embrace the thing in order for my body to willingly repair it, right?

As the healing in my body continues, I look for ways to keep my brain occupied and ways for enlightenment of the situation to occur. There is one thing that is for sure, I will do anything to make certain that this whole experience-- when said and done-- is successful and meaningful in making me a better, more well-rounded citizen of the world. That's what is important.